O’ Beautiful, Child of Mine

I come here to these pages to work through my relationship with my daughter. There are not too many guidebooks on parenting adults. The guidebooks are always about raising young ‘uns. For me, for many years now, it’s been all about adults.

This child of mine. The daughter, the wispy hair, the beautiful face, the strong and stubborn stance. She has fought, she has won, she is strong. Too strong, she does not need me, she doesn’t need her family anymore.

The last time we were together, we argued. I am hurt, she doesn’t realize how much pain I endure because of her life choices. She tells me that I am selfish, and it is not about me.

Of course, I know that.

My darling daughter, aren’t you at least interested? Don’t you want to know how I hurt because you choose a life that is 800 miles away from me? You choose a life that I cannot participate in. You have pushed me out of your life by circumstance.

If I refuse, if I am stubborn as she is, it costs me dearly. Plane tickets, lost work, lost time, missing my home. And still she says, “you’re selfish mother”.

She wants to compare my yesterday to her tomorrow. She would never treat her children the way that I treated mine. Her childhood wasn’t good, it was lonely and filled with deprivation. I told her, “you have no way of knowing how you will treat your children when they are older”. But she is not listening. She tells me over and over “I would never…”.

I am not sure how she sees herself, or her life. I do not know enough about it. I know that I have been angry too. And she throws her history at me as if it is broken glass. “Here” she says, “pick up the pieces.” My response has not always been patient.

I sent her * her childhood in pictures; she got every photo that I ever printed of her. The box was so heavy that it cost three times what I normally pay to mail to Virginia. I was hoping she could see some goodness in that childhood. I was hoping she would see some redemption in her adolescence. I have always been smitten with her, hence the thousands of pictures. But she did not, at least not in a way that she could redeem me, her mother.

This time, I am patient. I commit to myself that I will listen. I really want to know why she is so angry.

The other agenda, my agenda, is that I don’t want to be battered with my child’s childhood. I have been blamed for everything, from being not enough of a mother to being too much of a mother.

I know that I DIDN’T ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT.

I have to recommit to listening and being there for her. I must recommit because I become weary. Do I have to listen to everything over and over again?

Yes, yes, I do.

To me, she is beyond beautiful. I see her vulnerability. I see her wishes for her future. I hear her pain. She is so emotionally intelligent, and her intuition is striking. She genuinely wants to know; she truly wants information that will help her understand.

When I watch her with her sons, I see something incredibly special. Hopefully, she will be a much better mother than me. I think that all parents want that. We all want to look ahead to a future that is better and brighter.

JB Collection

Who can know what the love for a child will do to you? How do I describe the compelling feeling of loving someone as intensely and wholly as I do my child? How do I tell you that if you choose to have children, you will not ever “get over it”? Your children stay with you for your entire life. They may not be physically near, but they are always psychically near. You will always want happiness and love for them, always.

Love is Not Enough

All through this week, I’ve been getting the signal that loving people is not enough to make my relationships what I want them to be. My daughter left our home at Christmas this year, angry and fed up with me and her sister. I let her be angry. I didn’t try to talk with her, nor influence what she was thinking or any of that. I just let her be. She lives 800 miles away and my time with her is very limited.

It’s frustrating because I m.i.s.s. her and my grandsons e.v.e.r.y. s.i.n.g.l.e. d.a.y.

So I let her be, but she was angry. She tells me “why should I be angry when I can just move on?” And what she means is, move on without me. That’s what she means. Yep, she is kinda mean.

I cannot live without her. I need to see my daughter, I need to touch my daughter. I need to know that my daughter is okay. That is my need – not hers. BTW, she is 37 years old.

I am in so much more need than my daughter is. She is busy, a single mother of two boys. I am disabled and live my days at home alone. It is I who want to spend time with her. It is I who has a need for contact. I want to see my daughter and touch her.

I kept texting her and she never responded. Of course, my need to see her grew. Her sons talked to me and I cherished their words. The thing is she has no way of knowing anything about me. I have to attend to her to get her to see how I feel. She will never know unless I attend to her. I can’t just love her from afar. It won’t work, not if I want a loving relationship with my daughter.

Yesterday, I was talking with my son. He was on the edge a meltdown and we were talking about all the parenting stuff. I told him that my confidence came from being loved by my parents. But it wasn’t just being loved, it was feeling loved. That came from being attended to. When my parents paid attention to me, when they provided for me, when I got the dress I wanted for school when I was 11, I was feeling loved. They were attending to me. Reaching out to be concerned about the kids’ lives, talking to them, being there in times of crisis, that’s part of the love package.

I want my daughter to feel loved. I want my daughter to feel that love is flexible; if her beliefs and actions change, my love will not change. I will follow her wherever she goes, and I will take action to show her that I love her.

Child of Mine, I Have Words for You

Words, words, words.

I have so many words for you, child of mine

I have words for your child too

I want to let you know what I know of the world

I want to give you comfort when you are reaching for the cure

I want you to know what my version of the truth is

I have words for you and I yearn to speak with you

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You murder me with your disinterest

You stab my heart with the shuttering of your eyes

There was a time when you vehemently wished for the sound of my voice

That time has passed and where did you go?

You are present, but judgmental, you have no use for history

Even when it is your own

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I’ve learned so much \ and wish to give it on

Wisdom hard won, needs no more from me

Can you use the wisdom, the knowledge, the experience

Have you dismissed the use of any that came before you?

I care nothing for information that any schoolchild can gain

I want to tell you life’s great mysteries and the price of love

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You murder me with your disinterest

You stab my heart with the shuttering of your eyes

You have traveled close by for the entirety of your life

Your body stays your mind doesn’t engage

           At least not with me

Child of mine, I have words for you

Pillars of Creation

Love not Hate

To the Haters in this World

Look, I get it.  There is nothing fair or correct about the world we live in today.  Every deck is stacked against us, from taxes to home prices, to minimum wage and to how our mother-in-law treats us.  It’s all wrong.

The worst part is looking at our own body.  We are not beautiful enough, we are not handsome enough and if we just had enough money to get the best plastic surgery, we would be fine.  Why is that woman so beautiful and I can barely stand looking in the mirror?  Why is that guy so cool and I can’t flex my muscles like that ever?

Why do I get rejected?  Passed over for promotion? Make less money than (fill in the blank)?

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Please stop blaming successful / good-looking / beautiful people for the unfairness of the world and for the unfairness of your beauty, or lack of…  Understand that the world produced what it did and your hate won’t change it, improve it, make it better.  Your place in life may be where you landed, but it doesn’t have to be where you end your life.

Give into the idea that love and inclusiveness is the only way to make this world better.  Hurling hate on the internet and at traffic lights will not give you a better outcome.  It will harm you, it will make you a worst person.  It is up to you to bring a message of love and admiration.  Aren’t you happy when someone is wildly successful?  Or does it just bring thoughts of your own lack?  If so, if you can only realize your own lack, then you must fix your way of thinking.

Begin thinking in a way that makes you the winner.  There are thousands of books and websites that can show you how to do this.

In the meantime, quit hating.  Successful people should not be blamed for their success.  You can’t blame a man for being handsome, or a woman for being beautiful.  Get the hate thoughts out of your head.  If you can’t switch it up to love, then switch it up to neutral, indifference.  You don’t care.  Let it go.

In the meantime, start loving.  Start with yourself first, be yourself’s best friend and admirer.  Tell yourself dazzling stories about you!  Find your fault line and push it, so that you can authenticate the you that you are.  Of all the universe’s that you exist in, the you that you are is the best you.

If you give some love away, you will be surprised how fast it will come back to you.  Hate does the same thing.  Don’t you want love coming back at you rather than hate?

Quit blaming the more fortunate for the unfortunate hand that you were dealt.  Yes, you have reason to be disappointed, angry and hurt.  This didn’t happen because of others’ success, it happened for whatever reason that it happened.  It’s a moment in time and it will pass.

In the meantime, you have what you have, find the philosophical shrug and deal with it.  And, for “cryin’ out loud” give love and watch it multiply back at you.

 

Duck Lips

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