Recently, my son sent his daughter a meme that showed a daughter being sad because her addict dad died while and  when she was still angry with him for abandoning her.

This is a key feature of addiction; children always feel abandoned by the addict parent and try to manage their heartbreak in different ways. Some children become addicts also, some children become teetotalers. One thing that is true of all children of addicts is the deep and unresolved pain of having a parent who loved drugs more than their own children. It’s very difficult to square that love of drugs with family life. They just don’t go together. Addiction and family are no-go.

One of the things that addicts become very good at is manipulation. They want to keep their loved ones around because loved ones are often a source of dollars and they also help the addict stave off loneliness.

In my long career in addiction, I have watched addicts work very hard at hanging onto their families. Often, they have no intention of recovery, they simply want people who care about them to stay close. For children of addicts it can be very sensitive because the hurt feelings can become anger. Again, for children there is always that feeling of abandonment. I’ve watched small children stand by the front window at home watching and waiting for the addict parent to come pick them up for a promised afternoon of fun – that never happens. The child will wait by the front window for hours. As children they always believe the addict parents’ stories. As adults the addict’s child doesn’t believe those lies any more.

Photo by Gaby Fishman Fosbery on Unsplash

I’ve watched addicts nail their own mothers to the wall with ten inch nails, just to keep talking. Sometimes it’s emotional blackmail, sometimes it’s just a business deal. Every time “mom” helps her addict child with living expenses, she is buying drugs and helping the child feed the addiction.

But the addict keeps pushing always wanting control, always keeping control of the relationship. Bending the intended human, bending the relationship to their own desires. This son of mine is interested in keeping his daughter in his back pocket. He wants her good will for future reference. So her rejection of him deserves a bit of guilt and anguish.

He sends her the meme about how this daughter of an addict regrets her decision to stay away from her father. Her father passes away while she is still angry. I call bullshit. He’s gaslighting her to the nth degree. First, people die all of the time with unfinished relationships. Second, if you want a relationship, make one, be a good human and be a good father.

It’s a disappointment to me that my son still looks outside of himself and not into himself for causation. He doesn’t see any victim except himself. That’s bullshit, he is not the victim, he is the perpetrator. The fact that he looks to his daughter for relief from his own guilt is awful. But common for addicts. The only fix is to be responsible for yourself, not to hang onto others and stealing their energy and love.