Action and Consequence
Actions create more actions, sometimes as consequences, sometimes as meh. More often than not it’s a consequence that follows an action.
Which brings me to the idea of parenting. So many people are lonely enough humans that they identify their children as friends. That role is all wrong for learning. Children often don’t want to learn, but consequences can be very helpful in teaching them how NOT to act.
Often this learning is simply a matter of tying the consequences to the activity “Timmy if you keep picking your nose in public, other kids won’t play with you!” “Rae if you keep your dirty clothes on the floor, you won’t have anything to wear when you need it.”
Other times, consequences have to be managed. When you tell your child “If you don’t complete homework then you can’t go to your friend’s party.” If you are your child’s friend, you won’t be able to enforce these rules and consequences. You must be a strong parent to enforce these types of consequences.
Another conversation is the if conversation, “hey, your behavior is not what it needs to be if you want to go to college.” Your child may say “I don’t want to go to college.” You can reason with them, but the best strategy is to just act as if they are going to college, whether they want it or not.
Because you, the parent, can see them in college, you’ll keep acting as if that is where they are going and you will keep them to the higher standards that are necessary for college academic success.
When they are very young, free wheeling behavior can be very problematic. My son told me when he and his wife had their second child that they were going to let him do what he felt like doing and not enforce “a bunch of rules”. My grandson was eighteen months old before my son called me to let me know that it didn’t work. His child was walking into friends’ homes with no boundaries; he would climb on coffee tables and knock everything to the floor. My son told me that he was mistaken, he had to set up rules for his child. I was so relieved that I let a long breath out.
Toddler tyrant
It’s important to begin the consequence discussion early. You want to know if there is some flawed thinking going on. “The toy didn’t break because your sister made you mad, the toy broke because you threw it on the floor.” If you have a child who is swimming in excuses, it’s very important to engage and discuss as early as possible. Excuses bring heartbreak to an entire family, because the child embarks on a lonely reality. Being angry at the teacher because of something your child did like being late to class will not allow growth, diligence and discipline. Being late can turn into a workplace nightmare. If your child is constantly losing legitimate jobs, this “other” blaming, could be to blame. (Pun intended.)
If you talk with any 13 yo kid, it’s a hard sale to get them to accept that they need to accept consequences for their own actions. That’s why this job must start at the beginning, not some time after the child turns five or six. Any parent will get exhausted from these ongoing conversations because they require discipline from the parent.
What are the consequences of leaving a child to decide on their own who is to responsible for their own behavior? There are many consequences and they are all bad. It usually involves the idea that they can create a false reality where they do no wrong. An example of this is a young couple who will legitimately give a child up for adoption and then blame it on their parents. It was their parents fault they got pregnant and then their parents fault they had to give their child up for adoption. This is not an easy conversation. It is more difficult for a girl to get birth control, but not so for the boy. In any case a pregnancy can definitely be accidental but not unavoidable. You can avoid a pregnancy if you work at it. I’m not talking about blame; we’re talking about the kind of responsibility that allows for growth and a meaningful future. Those who do not cause anything cannot stop things from happening. Instead, they are caught up in a circle of blame game, with no change in behavior and a lot of harm to all other parties. This is a future that is bleak because it is predetermined for bad things to be repeated. And it doesn’t have to be this way.