My Daughters Myself

Rhea manages me, there is no if and or maybe about it. Last year I brought up vaccines (a subject we disagree about). She said “Mom are we really going to have this conversation again?” And then blithely, she went on into another conversation, no harm, no foul.

Conversely Jo-jo feels managed by me. If I mention vaccines (even though we agree on this subject) she gets defensive and doesn’t want to talk. I’m not sure, but I think it may be connected by how these two adult women are managing their own childhoods.

Rhea says her childhood is mostly forgotten, not like trauma, but just like ho-hum. Jo-jo, on the other hand, has gotten marooned in her childhood. It’s as if she shipwrecked on this island and stayed there.

Jo-jo Facebooks all of the mistreatment at the hands of “someone”. She posts all kinds of memes about trauma and trauma-brain and I wonder what happened. I was there and I don’t know.

My Thoughts on the Matter, Though My Thoughts don’t Matter

I worked in the field of mental health for many years and then switched to addiction treatment. I worked in a big city and the kind of damage done to children is unthinkable and yet, there it is. It takes the form of every mental illness there is. Children who are beaten and tortured and raped often don’t survive intact into adulthood.

I became inured to everyday childhood complaints. I also didn’t see a spanking as a bad thing. It was a different time in history. I am sure that today any of the spankings my sons received would be seen as child abuse (daughters didn’t get spanked). Again – a different time – it’s difficult to judge by today’s standards. A whipping was for punishment for a crime, no one in my house got a whipping “just because”. I did not see any cruelty in our home, but maybe there was? Or at least, it felt like there was? Again, because now, it’s different. In retrospect it is difficult to judge.

I’ve often wondered what the moments of my life add up to. What do they mean? Recently I read research that indicates a correlation between positive moments with those you love equaling the relationship maintaining itself over the years. The researcher bragged that he could predict divorces based on observations of people’s behavior towards each other.  Other researchers have indicated that the celebration of wins on both sides of the marriage is crucial to marital success.

How does this translate into parent and child relationships? Does one get judged by those specific interactions or are we judged based on our spouse’s (the other parent) behavior also?

What if a parent spends all their available time working and children cannot see or understand it? If it is the moments that bring parental positive judgment then the working parent cannot gain in the eyes of the children – no matter how hard they work. A working parent may have no moments. Children might only see their parents when they are desperately seeking rest. This is not a combination for fun or for “moments”.

I also once read that once kids grow up, their interaction with their parents is basically a report card for how they were raised. To me that’s a harsh thought.

Judging Your Parents

What if you are an individual who believes that relationships and “moments” come first. If you are the primary supporter of your children, they may be financially deprived because finance is not your focus. Perhaps you are not skilled in “life”. The moments are the most important activity of your life. For you, maintaining relationships is more important than anything else.

For another way of being is the mother who wants her child to have the comforts of the middle class. She makes sacrifices both for herself and for her children so that financial security is gained. All of her hours are spent building and maintaining that security. She is the parent in desperate search of a power nap because of constant overwork. How is she judged?

What I learned from my mother is that you can re-engage any time you both are willing. With that re-engagement comes a new relationship built on what is current in your lives. As with any relationship, two must be willing.