That is the question for young people today. I’m asking to comment on this question, as it is one that has occurred in my home many times. The very first thing I want to mention is this, there is no greater love and no greater commitment than that of a parent to a child.
You will experience a love that is more intense and more consuming than any other love that is available to humankind. Children love is the deepest and the biggest.
I know many who are willing to miss this experience and I know some who have turned away from this experience (in spite of having a child). It is a deeply personal choice.
Our society misrepresents the concept of raising children. On TV and in commercials families are thoughtful and caring for each other. We are fed a picture of multi-generational families that function together and work hard to keep up relationships.
The truth is that there are absolutely no societal supports for taking care of children.
In spite of the fact that childcare workers are among the lowest paid workers in America, child care itself is viciously expensive. It’s difficult to find trustworthy and reliable care for the youngest of the young.
America doesn’t support workers who want to spend time with infants. Every high income country in the world allows for some form of Family Medical Leave except America. Women and men are left without a choice, leave their infant with another or lose substantial income or career choices.
In spite of the Covid childhood poverty experiment proving, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that a majority of children can be pulled out of poverty with appropriate governmental support: No continued support is forthcoming from the American government. Ipso Facto, this country does not care for nurturing children.
Women continue to make .80 to a man’s dollar for the same work in the same industries. The career loss of intermittent work can’t be overstated enough.
Women continue to care for and support children in this country. This trend has continued since these things have been measured.
When it comes to parenting, our society requires us to be perfection itself when it comes to parenthood. It’s a public sport that must be documented, demonstrated and determined with detail to be better than the generation that went before. Often young women make a parade showing everyone they have done it better than all previous generations.
Because our country doesn’t support families; keeping families together has gotten harder and harder for Americans. That’s the warning, you’d love to maintain your family and help your children into their own successful future. Your Society doesn’t help you do that.
Let’s talk about money. Money is the single most important commodity in the United States of America. That’s exactly what a child takes from a couple: money, and lots of it. Children are incredibly expensive. There is absolutely no guaranteed return on this investment. Addiction, mental illness or simply a difference in temperament can make it very difficult to be a parent.
In spite of all of the risks, in spite of the expense, human beings all over the world prefer to have children. So why, how?
I asked a friend who didn’t become a mother until age 30, she said she never even thought about having children, it just wasn’t on her radar and then: “My sister had a baby and it warmed me up to the idea. My sister’s baby was so lovable, sweet, a fun baby always ready to play. A very big sweetheart, he loved anyone who held him. I got married and the person I married wanted to have kids. It all just came together”
What I told my daughter when she was considering the question was. “It’s the greatest love you can or will ever experience in your life.” I don’t say this to disparage romantic love. I truly enjoyed and immersed myself in romantic love. There is no beating any kind of love. They are all divine and all amazing. Without any doubt, love is what makes this shitty world okay.
When you wake up the day after being betrayed, what do you do? The day after you find that your career has been work that promoted your boss, what do you do? The day you learn that you are the butt of some pretty asinine jokes at work, what makes it bearable? When you learn that all of your efforts are lost to the egomaniacal teacher that you always trusted; what is there that makes it possible for you to feel better enough to try again? Being loved in fact or in thought, that is what makes life feel good, worthwhile and valuable.
For love, there is nothing stronger, more durable and more permanent than the love between parent and child. All other loves pale in comparison.
Disclaimer: This does not mean that all parent child love is wonderful. This doesn’t mean that romantic love is not as “good” as parental love. This doesn’t mean having a child is only social in nature (it can be quite social). There are some parental loves that are quite evil, I am sure.
If you decide not to have children, know what you are doing. Be completely aware of what you are giving up. Be completely aware of what you will lose, besides money.
You may end up completely disappointed, or your disappointment may not come until later when your child angrily slams the door in your face and leaves you for “a better life”. You can even find out that you were nothing more than a checkbook. Still, no matter how you shake it, bake it or carve it up, it’s the best love there is.
- JB Collection
- National Library of Medicine from Unsplash (How we used to parent.)
- Mayur Gala from Unsplash