That Day; Deep in the Pain

One of those days

I spent most of my time, googling the pain in my body parts. I’m shuffling around the house, my feet in large socks.

The intermittent pain is sharp and harsh. The chronic pain that just lays there seeking an answer is a low moan in my body. It reaches to my lungs crushing the carefree activity of breathing.

Milada Vigerova from Unsplash

I can’t get a break from the pain. This is the longest I remember of having continuous pain that just won’t break. It started with kidney pain and that pain was brutal. Then the pain morphed into this continuous ache that just won’t recede.

It’s not the usual fibromyalgia pain, oh no. This is something different. This is my slow functioning kidney pain. That’s why I keep googling. It is by turns moving through my body. It was in my back on my right and now it is in my front. It makes me breathless.

I am so tired. I sleep at least ten hours a night. Sometimes I sleep twelve. Being sick is a “me-focused” activity. I hardly have time to talk with anyone else. I don’t want to speak with anyone.

I have great difficulty getting anything done. Nothing gets completed anytime soon, it all takes at least two days.

Nikko Macaspac from Unsplash

I sit still in my chair and no matter what position I am in: it hurts. My back hurts, then my thigh and my leg and before you know it, I am deep in the rabbit hole.


Where the Pain Goes

This article and this day inspired me:

Sometimes the pain is just a hum in the background of my experience. I can distract myself from it. I can do chores around the house like dishes and laundry.

And then the pain comes screaming at me: “Me, Me, Me, Look at me!” I am wrung. I can do nothing and I cannot distract.

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

The pain is too much. I shower to give myself the warmth of the water, but I must sit, I cannot stand, the pain manages my body’s energy.

I am disabled in ways that cannot be seen. There is conceptual understanding, I know. But the other understanding is not there. I can see it in the eyes of others that I love and who love me.

Sometimes a long time goes by with just the hum. I don’t know when or how the pain changes.

Yes, I am overdone, but I was just living! I didn’t do anything special or extra, look how active I was in my old life! Why can’t I work all day and have the satisfaction of a job well done?

Because the fibromyalgia is not listening to my old life. The fibro believes it is a new day and a new way to act on this body. So. the fibro marches forward attaching to each muscle and gaining in pain.

How does one function when life is this unpredictable? One day a bearable functioning and the very next, an unbearable existence steeped with pain.

How does one function when the pain puts you down?

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